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Everything is fine...Not

Everything is fine. No, it isn’t. Often, I’ll say that everything is alright, but it really isn’t. Concerning improving and maintaining good health, weight gain/loss isn’t the only area in need of change. Small habits, like even acknowledging when something isn’t right, are needed.

There are several apps I use to help me keep track of my activities and hold myself accountable for my own well-being. I use the Fitbit app to keep track of my heart rate and active minutes. I use an app to remind myself to drink water. The third app that I use daily is called Flo, which is a feminine health tracker. Within the app, there is an option to list symptoms that the user might experience every day and based on those symptoms the app will provide relevant articles and information that may be helpful. For a while, I would go into the app and mark “Everything is ok” every day. I’d disregard mild cramps or stomach discomfort or mood swings, forgetting (or not caring) about the fact that the more I acknowledge (am honest) about what I am experiencing, the better I’ll be able to properly assess what I’m doing right or wrong and the easier it’ll be for the app (or another person) to suggest solutions that may be helpful.

Some days I have to think really hard about it. Did I have cramps that day? I don’t remember because I have a thousand other thoughts floating through my mind and if I don’t quickly make note of the answer to that question, then I am likely to forget it altogether. How could I forget that? How could I disregard anything that makes me uncomfortable, even if it is for a fleeting moment?

I find that I do that in other situations in my life unless I’m asked what is wrong. When I am asked, depending on my mood, I may go into explicit detail about what isn’t okay. Most of the time, however, I keep my thoughts to myself. Admittedly, that is still an area where I lack confidence. I don’t mind stating the fact that I’m flawed, but there’s a certain level of vulnerability I’m not willing to feel. That’s when I pick up my journal again and I write until I feel validated in my feelings.

Rarely do I read back what I wrote until at least a year or so has passed. I find that it is often easier for me to write than it is to speak because I hate the thought of looking into the eyes of another person while they try to figure out the right way to respond or I try to figure out whether they can relate to me or if my problems are even problems. My pen and paper (computer and word processor) are always there and are non-judgmental. People aren’t. So, everything is okay, no matter how terrible I may really feel.

That isn’t a good way to be, but that is how I am. How do I go about changing that? I have no idea. All I know is that it is something that doesn’t change overnight if it changes at all.

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